And the damage it can do...
Today I am so determined to update my blog that I'm writing the first draft down with pen and paper. Pen and freaking paper. I understand it's archaic and I'm going crazy with the want to use spell check (which unfortunately, for now, is my brain). Gasp. But with the never ending stream of revelations that I've been having on this surprisingly mild Monday the words are begging to be let out. So, pen and paper it is.
Readers, I have an embarrassing confession to make to you...
I am addicted to Soda Crush. It's completely irrational and if my husband were reading this he would sigh in relief that I have finally admitted the problem. I can't help it. The ooey gooey sweetness of puzzles just begging me to solve them, to take hostage the mediocrity of my day and turn it into a game. It gives me a small way to time travel, to take away minutes, hours even, of life that would be otherwise spent doing...
And that's when I think about all of the time I've lost. That fifteen minute break could have been a page edited. My hour lunch could have been a chapter written or a blog drafted out. The thirty minutes from when I get home to when my husband does, it could be cleaning or packing or creating anything. Why do I want to waste minutes (not to mention hours) of my life, day by day, doing nothing that has any actual value? Its not that I don't have a million and one productive things I could rather be doing. In fact, my list of goals has grown exponentially and I want them done, pretty much yesterday.
I can only think of two reasons why I would throw away such valuable time.
One: I'm a terrible, horrible, procrastinator.
It's a habit I know I need to work on and I do push myself past it when I'm intentionally putting things off. I can usually face the music and have that hated conversation with myself that I'm only denying the inevitable.
The second reason is one that I will continually deny. My very personality rejects the truth that it could even exists as a possibility and so internet, I tell it to you, in hopes to force out the lies.
Second: I am terrified to fail.
If I'm not doing anything productive, if I'm not even trying, then I have a pretty good excuse why something doesn't work out. I can meld in my mind that I didn't put the necessary effort into it. That if I would have wanted to, I would have succeeded. My brain can't even function the possibility that if I tried my absolute hardest that I could fail. So, to keep the lie alive, I play Soda Crush.
Ridiculous isn't it?
But I have the faintest inkling that I'm not alone. I feel like the world is full of distractions that have no meaning or purpose and we spend far too much of our time engaging in it. I'm not saying they aren't fun because let me tell you, I really do enjoy a good puzzle, but they are not worth the whole of the time we spend on them. And I can almost bet I'm not the only one whose afraid to try and I mean really try. This is a hard thing for me to admit, simply because I have never wanted to come off as the type of person who doesn't try. I never wanted anyone to look at me and say that I don't put forth the best effort I can into the things I love. I would hate if a reader accused me of not giving my all into my writing. Because I love to write. But I fear failure more. And my goals are suffering because of it.
I see the problem now, for whatever reason it came to me today at lunch while I was playing away. I'm not going to vow not to pick up my phone and play a silly game for a few minutes a day, but a few minutes is all I'm going to give it. Instead, I'm going to put minutes, hours even, into my writing. Because even if I fail, I never will have the chance to truly succeed until I put all the possible effort I can into it. And I am scared to death of that. Having goals is terrifying when they matter to you, when you give yourself over to them. I just can't image what my life will be if I don't. Am I going to tell the generations under me that I can master level 356? Or will I show the world the story of my life through books, that I wrote, in my voice, that other people will cherish for years?
Yeah, the answer is pretty clear. I can't change what I've already wasted but I can make sure that it doesn't get out of control again. And I encourage all of you to tone down the things you put your time into that are not pushing you forward in your goals. It's okay to fear failure, its not okay to let it win.
No comments:
Post a Comment