And the beginning of tomorrow...
I've been traveling a road for a summer, fall, winter and new year. I wasn't alone, although there were so many times it felt like it.
My husband quit his job in the Spring of 2015.
He had worked there for over eight years. He had built his goals on the foundation of a zoo and when he had accomplished all he had striven for, he found he wanted more.When you're driven, which we both tend to be, losing a dream is infuriating. You become lost in who you want to be. Where you want to go. Especially when you realize where you are doesn't fit right any more. Like your favorite t-shirt you wore ten years ago when you made that dream to start. You've outgrown it.
I like to think I'm a loving wife. An understanding one. One who knows her partner with every whisper of breath. I knew he was drowning so, I threw a life raft.
A shaky, ugly, torn thing that only had the inkling of a plan.
But I threw the damn thing with all my might. And he quit. As furiously as he does anything else and our journey began.
I have learned so much.
We thought our own business was the best idea this side of Spokane. My husband is talented and I am able to keep the papers together enough to make sense. We would be busy and happy and fulfilled.
We were not.
It was long and grueling. People were snakes, hands stuck so far out of their pockets and into our own we were confused who was who. We found the ugly side of money and the greed seeped deep in our area. A hard days work isn't worth much anymore, apparently. Honesty is spit on and screamed at. Necessities should be free, regardless of what we owe to obtain them for you. Our dream of creating other people's dreams and making them a reality, soured. But we learned.
There are two types of people in the world: One's who live to work and those who work to live.
Either is fine with me. I thought if we had purpose, meaning and love in our jobs (and only these things) life would be easy. I still think it might be, but those positions are few and far between. We may get back there someday, but for now I am completely happy, actually more happy than I ever thought, by working to live. I'll go to a job where I like the people and the work is OK and the stress levels are low and then I'll spend the money I make there on the things I really love. I'll use my vacation to travel the world and write until my little heart has no more words. My husband also learned that he would like that too. The search began.
And search was all we did.
Every day for months we scoured the world for work that would more than make ends meet and that he would enjoy (for the most part) doing. We applied. He took phone interviews and tediously went to five or six interviews a week. All on the hunt for something to fit his new (hopeful) lifestyle. We wanted benefits. We wanted enough cash to live comfortably. We wanted a good environment. We wanted a reasonable commute.
It was heartbreaking and at times soul crushing.
I'm not what you would call religious, but I have faith. I have a faith so strong that the world will work out and if you put good things into the world, the world will return good things to you. I have faith in my husband and his abilities. In his personality. I have faith that we can make it through anything. But this, this tested that faith to the very frayed ends of it's existence.
And I realized that when my faith of the future is wavering, I become reclusive. I cannot handle listening to others say anything negative. I cannot hear it will be okay or talk about the downturns we've had. I cannot hang out as if everything is okay. I can only squirrel my soul away until it is back to being stable. Until I know I can face friends and foe without be persuaded by their words. And this is why I am not a great friend. When the universe is testing me, I will fail or succeed alone. I give myself no other option.
Good, bad or ugly, this is the truth of who I am.
And it took what looked to be the end of life as I know it to see it.
I've come so far.
I can't begin to explain what it has felt like to see my savings dwindle. To hear no after no after no. To push my husband up when I felt like doing was staying down. I know it isn't going to be the last hurdle, nor the worst, but it was a glaring change that was probably one of the largest in my adult life. It was the first time I openly doubted my faith that things were going to work out. It was a trial where I learned so much about myself and my husband that otherwise would have gone unnoticed.
It mattered and that's why I'm writing this. To remember.
Thankfully, I can write this because its over. My husband accepted a job that is perfect for him. And us. It is absolutely everything we didn't know we were looking for and everything we were. I am so, so thankful. A weight has been lifted and a lightness I didn't have before (even before this happened) has filled me. I see a plan forming. A future. It is exciting, terrifying and fulfilling in every way. I'm no longer wandering aimlessly.
We have finally found the path through the trees.
And what a glorious road to see.
<3JB
